How life works...

Even with my excitement of moving to Korea and travelling throughout Asia, I could not help but wonder if I really should be doing this.

My father was sick over the fourth, and had to be admitted to the hospital. At first I didn't visit him, because of previous times of uneventful emergency room visits, where nothing has been seriously wrong.

This time was different.

I received a call from his doctor asking me to come in. We wound up talking over the phone and I found out that my father will probably need dialysis much sooner than later. A few months prior his general physician said that it would probably be 2 years before he needs treatment, considering that his kidneys were functioning at 30 percent. But you can't predict these things. His kidneys were now performing at 5 percent. His blood pressure was through the roof. I had to make a decision whether to have him on dialysis or not. Although dialysis is not a lifesaving measure as the doctor kept repeating. Choosing not to though could be deadly according to the internet with a 2 day or 2 week death sentence.

At that previous doctor appointment, my father was told about the dialysis treatment in which he said he didn't want treatment. That he didn't want resuscitating measures. He wanted to go. I was devastated. But that is not my choice even though I am his power of attorney. He told me that he didn't want to live that way.

So now listening to this doctor on the phone, my father's request pressed again my heart along with the impeding departure day. What to do.

I went to visit him, with my friend and her mom driving me there, because at this point I was sobbing uncontrollably.

I wanted to ask him again, in front of the doctor, what the ultimate goal for his remaining years would be.

He agreed to go on dialysis if necessary. 3 times a week. 3-4 hours a day.

He turned to me and said I love you girl.

I sputtered the same sentiment and turned to walk out the room to cry.

My strength is what keeps him. He can't see me worried or devastated. What would that do to his blood pressure, his mind, if his daughter was weak with worry.

That is the story of me essentially. Always trying to remain strong. And sometimes in that process I come off as too hard my own damn good.

At times I feel that no one is strong for me. At that moment, I felt that my dad was being strong for me, the only way he knew how or could do. Stay alive. He asked me when I was getting married. The first time he asked me that in all my years. I told him that he would have to wait and see. He nodded and said that he will.

That made me realize...I am 30 and single. When I return I will be 32 and probably single. That is for a whole other blog in itself.